Creation Stories With: Shandi Alexander
Sacred motherhood, rest without guilt and not being a martyr
Hi Friends,
Creation Stories is a monthly interview series that explores personal experiences of motherhood and creativity. Each month I speak to an inspiring human about the ways in which being a mother has impacted their self-employed creative work; the feelings, the joys, the challenges, the logistics.
Today I have a very thoughtful and beautiful conversation with the very wonderful Shandi Alexander. Shandi is a stylist & creative director based in New York - when I lived there we worked together on several projects and she was always A DELIGHT to be on set with. My favourite kind of collaborator - open, kind, thoughtful, fun and always brimming with amazing ideas. I have great memories of running all around the Upper East Side with her, shooting a story on the hottest day of summer.
I hope you enjoy Shandi’s wisdom:
Can you tell me about your work and/ or creative practice?
I am a Fashion Stylist/Creative Director. I work mostly in the
commercial/ editorial realm. When I have commercial clients I receive
direction or at least a directive from a creative agency and from
there I create a moodboard. Then there is a bit of back and forth to
ultimately establish the aesthetic for the shoot. In my editorial
work, normally I come up with the creative idea and from there I will
approach a photographer to help me realise it and further develop the
story. My creative ideas are often tied to culture and the daily
permutations of life. It's always an experience or a person that comes
first. Oddly, it's the clothes that kind of come last.
Can you tell me about your family?
I have two sons, 10 and 13 and we live in the heart of Manhattan, at
the opening of Central Park, so we are in the thick of it.
How did your path towards pregnancy and/ or experiences of being
pregnant affect your work?
When I got pregnant the first time I was kind of fresh out of
assisting and trying to establish myself as an independent stylist. I
left assisting during a rather large recession so in general it was a
slow start. Once I gave birth, I basically took a step back and spent
about a year focusing on my son. I would say it probably delayed me
in establishing my career but at the same time the industry was
challenging, so I'm not sure how different things would have been had
I not given birth at that time.
If relevant, have your experiences of birth impacted you as a creative person?
I don't necessarily think being a mother has impacted
my creative "vision" so to speak because motherhood for me is so
entirely separate from what I do in fashion. My children and motherhood are sacred. The work I do as a stylist versus the inexplicable gift and job of mothering my children, cannot really manifest in the medium of fashion styling.
Were you able to give yourself maternity leave and what did that look like for you?
As a freelancer (in the US) there really isn't maternity leave.
My work was somewhat slow before getting pregnant so I bascially
dropped out of the work force all together after I gave birth. I would
call it a forced maternity leave. If projects came up I was grateful
to do them but I wasn't really actively hustling.
Literally, how do you do it? How do you structure your weeks around work and motherhood? Who helps you?
As my kids are older, they can do a lot of things for themselves. My oldest is pretty self sufficient in that he gets himself to and from school and can even prepare small
meals. I do have a part time babysitter to help with school pick ups
with my younger son and especially for when I have to travel for work.
I traveled almost every month last year so she really helps with
morning drop-offs, after school pick-ups and the many far away soccer
practices. My husband also works in the industry and is freelance so
having her as a constant is a life saver with our unpredictable
schedules. My father -in -law also lives here and helps when we need
him, which is nice because if something comes up last minute he's a
great back up.
How has motherhood affected your relationship to creativity?
I think my role as a mother or motherhood doesn't necessarily manifest
itself in my creative work but more so perhaps in how I work and how I
interact with people and models. My time is more of a priority and
making sure models feel affirmed and supported is of utmost
importance. I also think my relationship as to who I am as a person
and my success or drive to succeed is affected by motherhood as I want
to be a strong, positive, inspiring role model for my sons.
How has motherhood affected your relationship to rest?
In the beginning of course there just wasn't any rest. However, now I
prioritize myself, rest and mental care. I watched my mother
completely be a martyr in never getting enough sleep, working and
raising kids and I feel she now suffers greatly for it. I do not
believe in being able to "have it all" and so something has to always
be compromised on some scale. Sometimes its getting rest , other times
being perfectly present for you kids, partner etc. but in the grand
scheme of things it all balances out. We are human and have to give
ourselves grace. I have an amazing mommy friend of twin middle school
girls, who's also a creative and entrepreneur. I called her once on a
whim in the middle of the day and asked her what she was doing and she
said resting in bed. I was shocked. This is someone that never ever
stops. I asked if anything was wrong and she said "she's just resting
and that's it." She said she now allows herself room and space to rest
when she needs it and doesn't feel guilty. Of course this all happened
from a knee injury that wouldn't heal and she's a dancer. Rest is
everything. Making time to do it is imperative to everything else in
our lives and we shouldn't have guilt over it. That's the biggest
challenge for mother's I believe. The perpetual guilt about
perpetually everything.
How has motherhood affected your relationship to ambition and perfectionism ?
I feel as ambitious as ever. I really want to establish and create something to give to my boys. I want them to be able to have experiences to enrich themselves and their lives. I would like them to live in a world bigger and with more possibilities than
mine, especially this feeling more urgent than ever right now. As far
as perfectionism, I've never subscribed to that. I don't know what
that is really.
What wisdom or words of support might you offer to a self-employed person working in the arts who is on the brink of motherhood?
Please know that society will inundate you with all sorts of standards and
definitions of a perfect mother, a successful mother, of the ideal
mother. None of them are true. Remember Sheryl Sanders and the entire
lean in craze only to find out her husband was basically a stay -at-
home dad and she had multiple nannies and oh yeah millions of dollars.
Or the ubiquitous memes saying if Beyonce can do it in 24 hours,
what's our excuse? I love Bey, but does she get so much done in 24
hours, by herself, on a budget? The expectations placed on mothers by
society and by ourselves are so unrealistic. Listen to your inner
voice and your heart and tune out all the noise.
Thank you so much for being here, Shandi!
You can follow her on Instagram HERE and view her work HERE
Take Care,
Katy x