On Letting Go
That strange in-between before the baby comes
SOME HOUSEKEEPING:
I have now paused all paid subscriptions until I am back from maternity leave.
My paintings shop is open for 24 more hours before I close it temporarily on Friday 20th (tomorrow). Last chance to buy a painting directly from me for a while :)
Hi Friends,
I had visions that my last essay to you before baby comes would be heartfelt and poignant. That I would be able to craft a deeply profound and poetic description of this liminal time.
Well, this is more like a muddy haze of words and feelings. Sorry! I was waiting until I felt ready to compose said poignant essay but I am in a strange headspace; caught somewhere between the fear of a self-employed artist about to pause her career and the tender sensitivity of someone nearing the wild portal of birth. The former is accruing panicked to-do lists and too much screen time while the latter can barely string a sentence together and needs a nap every day.
I am in my last month of pregnancy and I feel a lot of things.
Tired. Excited! Sentimental. Irritable. Grateful. Nervous. Nauseous (lemon sorbet everyday for this). Uncomfortable.
Waiting for your life to change is a wild feeling.
My brain and emotions are turning inwards and I feel myself longing to withdraw from the external world. I can barely respond to a text message. I feel very protective of my energy field. The part of myself who favors achievement and having everything “done” and “organized” is horrified and clinging on fiercely. Which is creating a haze of totally checked out but mentally overstimulated.
I am having to consciously remind myself that my intuition is correct, that this is a time in my life to slow down, move inwards and rest (as much as one can with a five year old). That I can trust things will work out as they are meant to, that I cannot control this baby, or this birth. That my career will be there to return to, that security will come in, somehow. That things don’t need to be (can’t possibly be) perfectly “set up” before baby arrives.
Letting go, man. It’s hard.
But I know that fighting it, clinging on, is unhelpful. Before I had my son 6 years ago I was working in fashion, living in New York and London. My entire painting journey and move to Scotland emerged (uncomfortably!) from behind the veil after he was born. I look at him and I look at my life now as an artist and I look at the wildflowers outside and I think: thank you. And also: yes. I am where I am meant to be.
I know that surrendering to this time fully - both the softness and the ferocity of it - will make space for whatever unexpected versions of self and art await me on the other side.
I have spent this past Spring studying Level One of Astrology School and it has been a transcendent experience for me, a glimpse into a new path opening up. I’m not sure yet where it will lead, but I feel strongly that I want to continue to pursue it. That one day soon I hope to be both Artist and Astrologer.
Poetically, this baby is due the week both of my beautiful son’s 6th birthday and my 16 year wedding anniversary. The baby we lost was due this time of year too. Some kind of cosmic timing, a strong summer love portal that opens for me in Cancer season. As we move towards the Solstice this weekend I feel wrapped in a sense of magic, and gratitude. Life is wild.
I am also grateful for you, for this community. I love being here, sharing my words and paintings with you. I’m looking forward to continue to grow here after maternity leave.
I will be back here when I feel able to 🤍 Thank you supporting my work!
Wishing you a beautiful Solstice,
Katy x